This post has been in my heart for almost a year now, but I’m finally ready to put it on paper, err…computer.
I occasionally (nope, I lied) – more like, all the time, I wonder- would we have still come to England if we didn’t have the miscarriage in January? I was due August 10th- we were packing boxes that day. Planning for a world away, while we were supposed to be holding our brand new, smells like baby powder, baby. Was it God’s way of saying, I have other plans for you? Now is not the right time? Even when it’s hard to fathom WHY, I’m strong enough in my faith to know there is a reason. I didn’t realize how true that was until I met a very good friend here in England.
We were out to dinner for another friends birthday, just the three of us. It was marvelous- a quiet dinner with good friends, food, cake, and beverages:) We were actually getting ready to leave when for some reason my past history with birthing came up…and so goes the three miscarriages, one happening just this past January. When I was done talking there was a bit of a silence. Oh Lord, did I just somehow offend my new English friends!?!?!
Nope, quite the opposite, for one of them had just miscarried two weeks prior- her second miscarriage this year. And although I am just getting to know this new special friend, there is now a new dimension to our relationship. We’ve maybe had the same feelings, the same hurt, the same emotional anguish that comes with losing someone you haven’t even met, but miss so much. And that, that is what brings us together.
I just remember going home and thinking, hmmm…you sure put me in the right place at the right time, Lord. You introduced me to this lovely friend, put us together at that dinner table, and urged someone to ask about my pregnancies.
So I’m not wondering anymore. If I can help one person through this horrific pain, and be that someone to hold her hand on her due date, then I am in the right place. I felt the same way when taking care of our bereavement patients on Labor and Delivery. There are no “right” things to say, but just knowing you’re not the only one- that someone else has been through that pain- you’re instantly connected.
I’d like to share my journal entries from this past January and June. For me, it’s my story. If one person reads this and feels strengthened by my words then it’s been worth every sentence…
January 24, 2012
I’ve been meaning to buy a new journal- to remember all the trials and tribulations of a pregnancy-but this journal is from my friend, Lauren. She brought it over with other sweet gifts for me and the kids. It was just what I needed in a time like this. Hoping that it will help ease the pain…
I started bleeding this weekend (11 weeks pregnant) and we thought it was a clot. We had seen the baby’s heartbeat on ultrasound around 8 or 9 weeks. I was sick, tired- the normal pregnancy regime. Monday I was scheduled to work in NICU, at lunch I headed over to LDR to doppler (check babe’s heartbeat) my baby. The doppler wasn’t working, (or maybe that’s what I wanted to tell myself), I was still bleeding, and so my OBGYN ordered an ultrasound. Emily, another RN, and I headed over (thank goodness she was there!!!!!). The very second the tech placed the probe on my belly I knew.
Complete shock and devastation. I didn’t want to tell Molly. I didn’t want her heart to break, too. I asked the tech to just keep the probe on so I could just stare at my perfect looking baby. I would have stayed there forever. My heart was being torn into shreds. I got to my car and called Matt. I think he knew before I said a word. I felt as if I was, in a way, letting him down. What was wrong with me???!!!!!
So now I’m home, waiting to deliver a dead baby. A baby that the instant I saw a + sign for on a stick, I saw her entire future. Everyday after the +, my joy was growing for this person that I longed to love for years to come. I thought my first two miscarriages were hard (a blighted ovum and a 9 week loss)- this seems so much harder. Possibly because I know what precious gifts I have in Molly and Charlie. I pray Jesus holds her until I get there to see her. I hope she knows I had big plans for her. But I would rather her be happy and healthy in heaven, than sick or suffering here with us. I miss her so much- I just wanted to hold her, and smell her, and feed her, and get to know this beautiful being. I think I shall name her…
June 1, 2012
We named her Elizabeth. I delivered her on a Wednesday morning. My poor baby, in a Tupperware bowl. I looked at her for a long time, looking to see if I could find an imperfection, something wrong that would make this right. But she was perfect… I woke Matt to let him know she was here, then got in the shower. Problem was, I couldn’t get out of the shower. I was bleeding and passing clots non-stop. I called my good friend, LDR nurse, and neighbor, Liz. We tried laying in bed and just resting, but I wouldn’t stop bleeding. We decided to head to the hospital, I probably needed a D&C. On my way downstairs, I got lightheaded. When I went to hug Molly goodbye I fainted. I remember right before I fell feeling as if I were dying. I’m not being dramatic- I felt so so so sick. Liz and Matt couldn’t get me to respond, so Matt called 911. The Fire Department is across the street- thank God!! They said I had a very weak and thready pulse, they started an IV, and drove me to my place of employment. I had an emergent D&C. The rest of the week was awful-emotionally and physically. I’m so thankful for such supportive family and friends. And a husband that just hugged me, and wiped my tears, and didn’t think I was crazy when I was crying months later going through her memory box. Molly knows Elizabeth is in heaven, and prays for her and others regularly. Someday we will tell Charlie. I miss her dearly. I have just recently found joy again in seeing pregnant women, in delivering a baby, in going to a baby shower. It was hard to come back to work, but there is so much joy in a place that also sees pain. I wanna be on joys side. And my delivering patients like when I cry with them, I think. (LOL).
Back to the present. We have just recently discussed having another go. Matt seems content with two (maybe because he saw his wife dying on the family room floor, OR, maybe because the two we have are a handful:)
I would love another child, not to fill that space of Elizabeth or the two others- but I am yearning to see that +, to feel that first flutter, for the adrenaline and joy that comes with delivery, breastfeeding (um, maybe not, LOL), to adding a brother or sister for Molly and Charlie. Might I add, I feel beyond blessed that I have been able to have the two, for some never do get the opportunity…
But I will be patient, for I now know, there is a right time. There is a perfect time. And if it’s meant to be, it will be. For now, I will cherish this family of four and enjoy every minute of this time in our lives.