What could have Been…

This post has been in my heart for almost a year now, but I’m finally ready to put it on paper, err…computer.
I occasionally (nope, I lied) – more like, all the time, I wonder- would we have still come to England if we didn’t have the miscarriage in January? I was due August 10th- we were packing boxes that day. Planning for a world away, while we were supposed to be holding our brand new, smells like baby powder, baby. Was it God’s way of saying, I have other plans for you? Now is not the right time? Even when it’s hard to fathom WHY, I’m strong enough in my faith to know there is a reason. I didn’t realize how true that was until I met a very good friend here in England.

We were out to dinner for another friends birthday, just the three of us. It was marvelous- a quiet dinner with good friends, food, cake, and beverages:) We were actually getting ready to leave when for some reason my past history with birthing came up…and so goes the three miscarriages, one happening just this past January. When I was done talking there was a bit of a silence. Oh Lord, did I just somehow offend my new English friends!?!?!
Nope, quite the opposite, for one of them had just miscarried two weeks prior- her second miscarriage this year. And although I am just getting to know this new special friend, there is now a new dimension to our relationship. We’ve maybe had the same feelings, the same hurt, the same emotional anguish that comes with losing someone you haven’t even met, but miss so much. And that, that is what brings us together.
I just remember going home and thinking, hmmm…you sure put me in the right place at the right time, Lord. You introduced me to this lovely friend, put us together at that dinner table, and urged someone to ask about my pregnancies.

So I’m not wondering anymore. If I can help one person through this horrific pain, and be that someone to hold her hand on her due date, then I am in the right place. I felt the same way when taking care of our bereavement patients on Labor and Delivery. There are no “right” things to say, but just knowing you’re not the only one- that someone else has been through that pain- you’re instantly connected.

I’d like to share my journal entries from this past January and June. For me, it’s my story. If one person reads this and feels strengthened by my words then it’s been worth every sentence…

January 24, 2012

I’ve been meaning to buy a new journal- to remember all the trials and tribulations of a pregnancy-but this journal is from my friend, Lauren. She brought it over with other sweet gifts for me and the kids. It was just what I needed in a time like this. Hoping that it will help ease the pain…
I started bleeding this weekend (11 weeks pregnant) and we thought it was a clot. We had seen the baby’s heartbeat on ultrasound around 8 or 9 weeks. I was sick, tired- the normal pregnancy regime. Monday I was scheduled to work in NICU, at lunch I headed over to LDR to doppler (check babe’s heartbeat) my baby. The doppler wasn’t working, (or maybe that’s what I wanted to tell myself), I was still bleeding, and so my OBGYN ordered an ultrasound. Emily, another RN, and I headed over (thank goodness she was there!!!!!). The very second the tech placed the probe on my belly I knew.

NO HEARTBEAT…

Complete shock and devastation. I didn’t want to tell Molly. I didn’t want her heart to break, too. I asked the tech to just keep the probe on so I could just stare at my perfect looking baby. I would have stayed there forever. My heart was being torn into shreds. I got to my car and called Matt. I think he knew before I said a word. I felt as if I was, in a way, letting him down. What was wrong with me???!!!!!

So now I’m home, waiting to deliver a dead baby. A baby that the instant I saw a + sign for on a stick, I saw her entire future. Everyday after the +, my joy was growing for this person that I longed to love for years to come. I thought my first two miscarriages were hard (a blighted ovum and a 9 week loss)- this seems so much harder. Possibly because I know what precious gifts I have in Molly and Charlie. I pray Jesus holds her until I get there to see her. I hope she knows I had big plans for her. But I would rather her be happy and healthy in heaven, than sick or suffering here with us. I miss her so much- I just wanted to hold her, and smell her, and feed her, and get to know this beautiful being. I think I shall name her…

June 1, 2012

We named her Elizabeth. I delivered her on a Wednesday morning. My poor baby, in a Tupperware bowl. I looked at her for a long time, looking to see if I could find an imperfection, something wrong that would make this right. But she was perfect… I woke Matt to let him know she was here, then got in the shower. Problem was, I couldn’t get out of the shower. I was bleeding and passing clots non-stop. I called my good friend, LDR nurse, and neighbor, Liz. We tried laying in bed and just resting, but I wouldn’t stop bleeding. We decided to head to the hospital, I probably needed a D&C. On my way downstairs, I got lightheaded. When I went to hug Molly goodbye I fainted. I remember right before I fell feeling as if I were dying. I’m not being dramatic- I felt so so so sick. Liz and Matt couldn’t get me to respond, so Matt called 911. The Fire Department is across the street- thank God!! They said I had a very weak and thready pulse, they started an IV, and drove me to my place of employment. I had an emergent D&C. The rest of the week was awful-emotionally and physically. I’m so thankful for such supportive family and friends. And a husband that just hugged me, and wiped my tears, and didn’t think I was crazy when I was crying months later going through her memory box. Molly knows Elizabeth is in heaven, and prays for her and others regularly. Someday we will tell Charlie. I miss her dearly. I have just recently found joy again in seeing pregnant women, in delivering a baby, in going to a baby shower. It was hard to come back to work, but there is so much joy in a place that also sees pain. I wanna be on joys side. And my delivering patients like when I cry with them, I think. (LOL).

Back to the present. We have just recently discussed having another go. Matt seems content with two (maybe because he saw his wife dying on the family room floor, OR, maybe because the two we have are a handful:)
I would love another child, not to fill that space of Elizabeth or the two others- but I am yearning to see that +, to feel that first flutter, for the adrenaline and joy that comes with delivery, breastfeeding (um, maybe not, LOL), to adding a brother or sister for Molly and Charlie. Might I add, I feel beyond blessed that I have been able to have the two, for some never do get the opportunity…

But I will be patient, for I now know, there is a right time. There is a perfect time. And if it’s meant to be, it will be. For now, I will cherish this family of four and enjoy every minute of this time in our lives.

Picture by Sarah-Beth Photography

Holding on Tight, then Letting go…

This post is all about letting go, and finding the simple pleasures.

I miss home, but mostly because of the people I am blessed to have in my life. My parents, two of the most compassionate, hard working, and giving people I know – I miss them. My siblings, five of the most caring, outgoing, determined, and loving (especially to my two children) people I know – I miss them terribly. My friends, the people that have been through my breakups, failing my nursing boards, multiple miscarriages, but also winning the city kickball championship (hehehe), Friday night football games, my wedding, the births of my children, and now their children befriending my own – I miss them. But I would miss them if we lived in Bloomington. I had to realize that to be able to let go.

Letting go lets me see the things I absolutely LOVE about my new home.

I love that there are endless, lush countryside views – no skyscrapers or new home additions every 2 miles. Sheep and parks around every corner. Castles and churches older than the first buildings found in the States.

I love that I don’t have a car. Not because of my fear of driving on the other side of the road, but because of the simplicity. Our village has everything we really need – Molly’s school, Charlie’s nursery, small Co-op food store, boutique shops, a salon, library, and mostly importantly a pub, Jolly Potters. All walkable. (Which is my excuse for not finding a gym yet, lol) For now, it’s perfect. When we do drive, it’s to places like this…

So fun, so beautiful.

I love the availability of fresh produce. I love that it’s hard to find foods with preservatives. Cooking a healthy dinner every night for the fam has become enjoyable. I have time to plan (Pinterest!!!) a week of dinners. I love that the closest McDonald’s is 30 minutes away, although Molly would disagree!!!! Don’t worry, I still have me some Chery Pepsi or a mint chocolate bar!!!!! And lots of wine, LOTS of wine.

I love that we’ve met some spectacular friends already. Friends that still love us when we have too much wine- those kind of friends 😉 Glen, Tina, and Laura have taken us in like they’ve known us our entire lives. We feel blessed to have met them (thank you, Rolls-Royce), and look forward to many more nights of too much wine. I’ve met many girlfriends from Molly’s school- they are so welcoming. I even had a tea date today while the kids were away!!!! Wooohooo for free time!!!

What I love the most is living and learning this new life with my family. Just the four of us, figuring it all out. We just have EACH OTHER. It’s kinda great to have no agenda- planning a weekend or fall break together. It will make us stronger as a family- to see a new culture, to adapt, to grow, to venture. To just be us…

Letting go is not so bad.

Getting Here…

So it’s been quite awhile since my last post, but we are now residing in Castle Donington, England! Oh what an adventure already!

Matt and I flew over at the end of July to choose our new home- we did not prepare ourselves enough for the 800 sq foot-ness of English homes. The first day out we saw everything from a cottage with sheep in our garden (that means yard;), to a flat owned by college lads that were growing hamsters? Um, no thank you. We felt defeated, we wanted a home our kids would enjoy and feel comfortable in, and we hadn’t even come close. Up first that next day was a home Matt had found online and sent to our realtor. We walked in, and instantly knew we could celebrate Christmas there- our way of saying it felt like home.

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The rest of our stay, we enjoyed the Olympics and had several dinner dates;)

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When back to the US, it was applying for visas, renting our house, doctor’s appointments, dentists, going away parties, more going away parties, and two changed flights due to visas being delayed. We all drove to Chicago, purchased new passports (since ours were still being processed in NYC) and flew out 4 days later. Funny thing was, the UK Border Agency here could pull up our processed visas online and stamped us in as UK residents. We’re still awaiting our (the kids and I) visas to arrive back home.

This week we’ve been living in the Raddison Blu hotel until our furniture arrives. We’ve been busy, though!!! Molly started reception (that’s per-school) yesterday and absolutely loves it!

20120905-115512.jpgWe are proud of her for being so brave and welcoming this new world with confidence and joy. Charlie wanted to stay with Molly at school, so we said what the heck, let’s put him nursery!!! He’ll be going to Grasshoppers three days a week for three hours a day. He loved it, too!!!! I walk them both to their new schools, that’s how close we are to the village!!!

We’re getting along well, and are looking forward to the many adventures ahead!!!!!

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Hello world!

We’re moving!!!! To another country!!! The Moe’s (Matt, Sarah, Molly, and Charlie) are going to live with the Queen. Who knows, maybe I could be Kate’s labour (I’m already spelling like the British!) nurse! Rolls-Royce has chosen my husband to be the next Head of Supplier Quality-Global Turbines. Long title, must be good…

We leave in a month. I just sold my car (first big purchase after college) and cried. We won’t be gone long-probably two years, but I feel as if I’m leaving memories. Letting go of “things” that can’t go along is bittersweet. Do I really need this much stuff? Nope. But does the “stuff” carry an emotional connection? Yep. Trying to decide what to sell, throw away, or take with is tedious work. Emotionally and physically. It’s comforting to know my children love to play with everything except their toys. Don’t need to worry about their “stuff.” Of course leaving our families will be the hardest-as my parents live 1.1 mile away. We will miss them dearly. Thank you tons to the creator of FaceTime! My parents, five siblings, and extended family have been extremely supportive. I love you all so very much. 

I’ve been tinkering in photography so I hope this blog not only serves as a journal of our experiences, but also a slideshow of my progress and a way to see my children grow. 

We couldn’t be more excited for this new adventure, and would love to have you follow along in our journeys…